I’m in love with a new illusion.
I am so sick of wanting people who do not want me. I have told stories in my head for so long, they are 90% what I attach to and love about other people now. I don’t talk to people, I talk to illusions.
I’m obsessed with this dude from work. Not a new scenario for me because the men I work with are talented and brilliant and amazing artists and writers so I always fall for them. I fall for their art. And damn near anyone who is remotely nice to me.
This new obsession feels different because of the way he has treated me. He absolutely flirts with me, it feels like there is chemistry that is palpable and real. If I graze his finger, I feel a spark.
But it’s not real. It’s all in my fucking head. He doesn’t want me. No one ever does or will, nothing is ever real. No spark is real. I don’t understand. I don’t trust my instinct at all. He sent his girlfriend fried rice a city away and I started crying. I want it to be me. It should be us.
I want so badly for something to be real.
How my nights going … trying to feel anything at all.